First things first – enrolment. The desk is manned, but we’re not allowed to address the staff. Instead, a robotic voice welcomes me to the school, and prompts me to write a personal statement in the form of a tweet. WHAT IS ART asks the voice. The queue builds up behind me as I struggle to sum up my response in 140 characters. DON’T WORRY EVERYONE HAS TROUBLE WITH THAT QUESTION. I settle on a cop-out answer, and move to the next stage of the process – a sort of camera, which turns out to be the future’s answer to school photos. WE ARE SCANNING YOU INTO OUR 3D LEARNING ENVIRONMENT, says the voice. I stand behind a black line (labelled red, very high concept) and look straight ahead, as though I’m at customs. A little avatar of me is generated, and a reassuring message flashes up on the screen: DON’T WORRY YOU LOOK NICE THAN THAT [sic]. Phew! And I’m in.